Psychologist Imelda Villar offers advice on how to survive the loss of a loved one

Dealing with grief

By Stephanie Maureen F. Asi, Staff Writer

11/01/2009

Days before the first of November, Filipino families head for cemeteries to weed the grounds, clean mausoleums and repaint burial chambers. Around this countless flower and candle vendors also start lining the streets surrounding the cemeteries. To some, this can also mean getting together of family members. That’s the typical scenario surrounding All Saints’ Day in the Philippines.

In recent years, especially in the metropolis, we have also adopted Western practices, spending Halloween with much flair and fun. The 31st of October is usually marked by Halloween fetes, costume parties and concerts.

This year, however, it has been a little different — more subdued. Barely two months since typhoons “Ondoy” and “Pepeng” ravaged the country, undeniably two of the most devastating calamities we’ve seen in years, many remain displaced and grief-stricken.

For many, losing a loved one is unthinkable so when death snatches someone’s life, their families are left bewildered, in pain and distraught. The death toll of the two typhoons has reached hundreds and their families still grieving.

Going through All Saints’ Day this year, it is certain that the pain of their passing is still fresh — the trauma, guilt and the feelings of loss still too difficult to bear. But as in other things, willpower can help us overcome. Psychologist Imelda Villar, president of the Accredited Professional Organization for Guidance and Counseling, explains grief and how families can recover from it.

Understanding grief

“Grief is a natural response to many things,” explains Dr. Villar, citing death as one of the most common causes. As such, it can result in different things, depending on how one processes the reality of death.

“(Grief causes one to) feel physically enervated, to lose emotional control, lose appetite and sleep, (making one) susceptible to illnesses, become forgetful or unable to think properly, drink too much or take drugs, neglect personal hygiene and physical appearance, ruminate about the past, suffer from extreme loneliness and experience guilt and self-criticism,” says Dr. Villar.

The responses also vary as grief can either cause us to cry continuously or, in some cases, make us unable to cry. It can either prod us to engage in too many activities or make us unwilling to do anything and lose interest in work. There are some who dwell on the loss every moment and repeatedly talk about it, while others choose not to speak of it at all.

Dr. Villar, however, assures that these responses are normal because different individuals deal with death in their own ways.

According to Dr. Villar, a noted psychologist by the name of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggested that there are five stages of grief, not usually experienced in order. They can occur and recur or be experienced simultaneously. “Dr. Kubler-Ross suggests that there are five stages that those who are left behind by the departed may experience. There is denial, or telling oneself that the loss is not true and whatever or whoever is lost will come back, especially if the body was not retrieved or if the grieving did not see the corpse. Another one is anger. As one begins to accept reality he/she may become angry with God for having allowed the calamity or for taking away the person or property, with government for not having been effective, with people who may have refused to help, sometimes with the person who died for not having been careful and with oneself for being not there or not doing enough. It’s also common to undergo Bargaining or making promises to God about doing everything he wants if he/she gets back who and what is lost. Depression also sets in. And finally, there is acceptance, an understanding that everything happens for a reason. Although one may not be clear as to why it had to happen to him or her, he/she realizes that everything happened for the best, and that one’s life has a meaning. (At this stage), one is ready to move on to a new life and remember the good as well as the bad,” shares Dr. Villar.

Overcoming the pain

No one is ever prepared for the death of a loved one so sometimes, dealing with the feelings surrounding death seems an insurmountable challenge. But the expert says everyone can get by. With ample support from other family members and the determination to find acceptance, it can be done.

“Different experts have suggested ways to overcome grief. For one, you have to accept that almost anything experienced in the early stages of grief is normal — including feeling like going crazy, being in a bad dream, or questioning religious beliefs. Also, you have internalize the reality of loss by talking about it until acceptance comes,” explains the psychologist.

Ultimately, the end result of overcoming grief is acceptance so it is the goal to reach this stage so that one can move on.

“It also helps if you allow yourself to experience the pain of grief or anger to prevent recurrence in a more intense, repeated and injurious ways as a post-traumatic stress disorder,” says Dr. Villar. By doing so, you are able to vent out your feelings instead of suppressing them, which can be more dangerous for you and the people around you. As such, moving on also entails learning to adjust to an environment in which the loved one is missing. “Take, for example, living in the same house or places you usually went to together or learning new skills and tasks in order to assume responsibility for own life, to function without the person at home and in everyday life. These are the things you want to be able to do,” Dr. Villar says.

On the other hand, one thing you don’t want to do is ascribe to psychics. Since many Filipinos also believe in superstition, some resort to clairvoyants to “call the dead” and talk to them. “Better not consult with clairvoyants and fortune tellers because they will only create further denial or false hopes,” she cautions.

It’s easy to overcome your physical well-being when you’re in the pit of depression, but you must remember to look after your physical health as well. Dr. Villar suggests “getting enough sleep, eating right and exercising, or having regular massage or spa sessions.”

She says the best way to deal with anger is to “acknowledge, talk about it, yell, write a letter to the person you’re angry with, including God, yourself, the dead, the government. You can also exercise, engage in martial arts, but never get physical with yourself or others in expressing anger.”

The doctor also encourages you to be prepared to handle possible grief “activators” like birth and death anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions, which can resurrect pain. “Recognize these (occasions) as normal (events). Plan strategies to celebrate with others.”

Of course, support is of utmost importance so you want to find support from friends or family members and/or invest in new relationships like a support group, new friends and new interests. After Ondoy, many psychologists have offered free counseling to the victims of the calamity. You may seek the support of professionals or support groups, but in our culture, it is usually our family that stands by us in the most difficult of times.

Find comfort from faith. There is that inexplicable calm and peace of mind you may find in your spiritual beliefs that can help you deal with death. She says, “Follow a religious tradition for mourning rituals or engage in personally meaningful spiritual activities or talk to priests or others in one’s religious community.”

Engaging in various activities can help so why not try getting involved in a cause or organization related to what took away the life or property or what was important to your departed loved one? And finally, celebrate his life. They say the best way to honor a person even after his passing is by celebrating the life he lived. You can do this by making a journal, scrapbook or photo album as a reminder of his love and how he touched your life.

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